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The various sayings/quips that have appeared on the TawaLink main page over the past weeks and months
Click here to see these sayings/quips listed in alphabetical order
November 2008
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams
"The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg."
"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them." - H L Mencken
"Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years." - Author Unknown
"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." - John Kenneth Galbraith
October 2008
"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't."
"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." - Mark Twain
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - Groucho Marx
On the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"
"Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble." - Frank Tyger
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S Cobb
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle
September 2008
Sign on a tent at a country fair: "Tattoos done while you wait!"
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Ann Landers
"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius
"Never stop striving, never stop learning, never stop teaching."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
August 2008
"The next time you feel the urge to procrastinate - just put it off."
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney
"Apparently one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions - they're easier to handle than dumb mistakes."
"You should no more blame circumstances for your character than the mirror for your appearance."
"A person is not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams."
"Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness." - Chinese proverb
July 2008
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby
"When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us." - Helen Keller
"Alter your attitude and you can alter your life."
"You can take many paths to get to the same place." - old Apache saying
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"Don't wait for something to turn up. Get busy and turn it up yourself."
"When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing."
"Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be."
June 2008
"Use your stumbling blocks as stepping stones."
"Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach."
"Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner."
"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it." - Moliere
"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."
"In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice, then he made school boards." - Mark Twain
"I'm going to start thinking positively, but I know it won't work."
"It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."
May 2008
"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."
"I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." - Woodrow Wilson
"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."
"There are only two things children will share willingly - communicable diseases and their mother's age." - Benjamin Spock
"God gives every bird its food, but does not throw it into the nest."
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realisation of how much you have already."
"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin
"Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence."
April 2008
"It's good to be clever, but not to show it."
"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again."
"People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile."
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of someone else."
"Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow."
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
"He chooses his own suits, but his wife picks his pockets."
"When you finally manage to make ends meet, someone moves the ends."
March 2008
"If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit."
"Work and save, young person, and some day you'll have enough to divide with those who don't."
"You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
Why is it called 'after dark' when it is really 'after light'?
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - Franklin D Roosevelt
"A penny saved is ridiculous."
"May today be better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow."
February 2008
"Who bravely dares must sometimes risk a fall." - Tobias George Smollett
"The trick is to stop thinking it's your money." - IRD auditor (or the current Minister of Finance?)
"Always try to stop talking before people stop listening."
"You can't measure a person's happiness by the amount of money they have. An individual with ten million dollars may be no happier than someone with nine million."
"Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine."
"Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!"
"Everybody has the ability to make someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
A certain school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home."
January 2008
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood." - Cal Thomas
"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."
"A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need all the advice." - Bill Cosby
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of its tail." - Josh Billings
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." -Joey Adams
"A man spoke at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her gravestone from the beginning to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth, and then the year she died, but he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years, 1900-1970.
That dash represented all the time she spent alive on earth..
And now only those who loved her knew what that little line was worth.
For it matters not how much we own: the cars, the house, the cash ...
What matters most is how we live and love and how we spend our dash."
November-December 2007
"Once again we find ourselves emeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking place at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." - Dave Barry
"Christmas is not just a day, an event to be observed and speedily forgotten. It is an event which should permeate every part of our lives." - William Parks
"Oh for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money."
"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years ... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart." - George Matthew Adams
"Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
"Within the covers of the Bible are all the answers for all the problems we face." - Ronald Reagan
"All generalisations are false, including this one."
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my handbag."
October 2007
"Television enables one to be entertained in one's home by people one wouldn't welcome into one's home."
"The only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind us." - Tyrone Hayes
"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."
"Why wish for the privilege of living your life again? You begin a new one every morning."
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
"I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves." - Ronald Reagan
"Politicians are the same the world over. They promise to build a bridge even when there's no river."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
September 2007
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." - Flannery O'Connor
"A father carries pictures where his money used to be."
"Worry never takes the sorrow out of tomorrow, it just saps today of its strength."
"Health is merely the slowest possible way at which one can die."
"An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before." - Mark Twain
"A promise is one thing, but performance is another thing."
"One way to curb delinquency is to take the parents off the streets at night."
August 2007
"Be kind, even if it kills you."
"The fastest way to become an old dog is to stop learning new tricks."
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
"I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there's purpose and worth to each and every life." - Ronald Reagan
"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
"The way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." - Mark Twain
"Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around someone else's dog."
"You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give."
July 2007
"Bad losers make worse winners."
"Regret for things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney J Harris, writer
"The trouble with work is ... it's so daily."
"The secret of financial success is to spend what you have left after saving, instead of saving what is left after spending."
"The greatest power a person has is the power to choose."
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans." - Ronald Reagan
June 2007
"Be kind to the unkind - they need it the most."
"You want us to do WHAT?" - Ancient Chinese wall engineer
"You don't pay taxes. They take taxes."
"It takes courage to stand up and be counted, but it takes more courage to keep standing."
"Have more dreams than reality can destroy."
"I try to attack one day at a time ... but sometimes several days attack me at once."
"If you don't agree with me, it means you haven't been listening."
"Don't complain about growing old - some do not have the privilege."
May 2007
"The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."
"The wise man doesn't expect to find life worth living. He makes it that way."
"If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?"
"Greatness isn't measured by how many servants we have, but by how many people we serve."
"No one is too big to be courteous, but some are too small."
"A contented person is one who enjoys the scenery along the detour."
"Always put off until tomorrow what you should not do at all."
"The moment you have children, you forgive your parents everything."
April 2007
"The best way to teach character is to have it around the house."
"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."
"Accept the circumstances, then seek to overcome them."
"So live that you would not be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
"Making a great sacrifice nowadays means doing without something our parents never had."
"There are just two rules for success:
1. Never tell all you know."
"If you want to improve your memory, lend money to others."
"Sit and watch a puppy for an afternoon. In that short time, you'll discover the joys of life."
March 2007
"It is the purpose of government to shape the thinking of its constituents."
OR
"It is the duty of government to be shaped by the thinking of its constituents."
"People who live beyond their means should be given a lot of credit."
"Nothing will show more accurately what we are than the way in which we meet trials and difficulties."
"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."
"We can never profit from our mistakes as long as we blame others for them."
"In all things, parents are their children's most eloquent teachers, whether they wish to be or not."
"You can't stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life."
February 2007
"A smooth sea never made a skilful mariner." - English proverb
"When you go to court, you're putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
"Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man."
"All perfect marriages are made up of couples who accept the fact that they have an imperfect marriage."
"Who puts those 'Thin Ice' signs out there?"
"I have far more respect for the person with a single idea who gets there than for the person with a thousand ideas who does nothing." - Thomas Edison
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese proverb
January 2007
"He who never made a mistake never made a discovery."
"How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?"
"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas."
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." - Joey Adams
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool." - F M Knowles
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."
"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, for the opportunity to rain on a tent." - Dave Barry
"A man spoke at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her gravestone from the beginning to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth, and then the year she died, but he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years, 1900-1970.
That dash represented all the time she spent alive on earth..
And now only those who loved her knew what that little line was worth.
For it matters not how much we own: the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters most is how we live and love and how we spend our dash."
December 2006
"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly." - Andy Rooney
"Of course this is the season to be jolly, but it is also a good time to be thinking about those who aren't." - Helen Valentine
"I truly believe that if we keep telling the Christmas story, singing the Christmas songs, and living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world." - Norman Vincent Peale
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." - Garrison Keillor
"Christmas is about a baby, born in a stable, who changed the world forever." - John Maxwell
"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." - Shirley Temple
"Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone." - Charles Schulz
"Happy, happy Christmas that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!" - Charles Dickens
"We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give."
"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." - Katherine Whitehorn
"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." - Calvin Coolidge (30th President of the United States)
November 2006
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
"The whole secret to a successful life is to find out what it is one's destiny to do, and then do it." - Henry Ford
"You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think."
"Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash." - George S Patton
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."
"Hear, and you forget; see, and you remember; do, and you understand."
"All power corrupts. Absolute power would be kinda neat."
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." - Dale Carnegie
October 2006
"Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with."
"Impossible things are simply those which so far have never been done." - Elbert Hubbard
"Quitters never win and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots."
"It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference."
"Living on earth may be expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun."
"Only he who can see the invisible can do the impossible." - Frank L Gaines
"Just because a woman says she hasn't anything to wear, doesn't mean her husband can find a spare coathanger."
"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard
"I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
"Tis not knowing much, but what is useful, that makes a wise man." - Thomas Fuller
September 2006
"Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older it starts avoiding you."
"Perseverance is failing nine times and succeeding the tenth." - J Andrews
"It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow."
"The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog." - George Graham Vest
"No one is rich enough to do without a neighbour."
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T S Eliot
"Me - ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
"When you cease to dream you cease to live." - Malcolm Forbes
July-August 2006
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."
"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
"Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising."
"A fanatic is someone who is highly enthusiastic about something in which you are not even remotely interested."
"Strive to be the person your dog thinks you are."
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it."
"A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."
"A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked."
June 2006
"I intend to live for ever. So far, so good."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." - Jacob M Braude
"Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back."
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and then realise you haven't fallen asleep yet."
"If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts."
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."
May 2006
"The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
"Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day."
"Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits."
"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything."
"Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring."
"The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tyres."
"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them."
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
April 2006
"If nothing ever changed there'd be no butterflies."
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it."
"Animal testing really is a bad idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
"Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake."
"Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."
"No one ever says, 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning."
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." - Erin Majors
March 2006
"To save money on electricity, we've turned off the light at the end of the tunnel."
"A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better."
"If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid."
"People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do."
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"To appreciate heaven well, it is good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell."
"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
February 2006
"You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor."
"Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."
"If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right."
"Everyone who has ever taken a shower has had an idea. It's the person who gets out of the shower, dries off, and does something about it that makes the difference." - Nolan Bushnell
"A good marriage is like a casserole. Only those responsible for it really know what goes into it."
"Politicians, like diapers, need to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason."
"I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait."
"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right." - Thomas Paine
January 2006
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself."
"One person with a belief is equal to a force of 99 who have only interests."
Sign on a gravestone: "I expected this but not just yet."
"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."
"The best thing about the future is that it comes only a day at a time."
December 2005
"Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and a nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts." - Lenora Mattingly Weber
"Once again we find ourselves emeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking place at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." - Dave Barry
"Once again we come to the Christmas Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in our own way, by going to the mall of our choice."
"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." - Kim Hubbard
"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree." - Roy L Smith
November 2005
"You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."
"I once prayed to God for a bike but quickly found out he didn't work that way ... so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness."
"It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away."
"The difference between a taxidermist and the taxman is that the taxidermist takes only your skin."
"House Guarded by Shotgun 3 Days a Week. Guess Which Days."
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
"INTEGRITY and WISDOM are the essential to the success of every business. What is INTEGRITY? When you promise a customer something, you keep that promise even if it costs you money. What is WISDOM? Don't make stupid promises."
October 2005
"In case of fire, gather up as much paperwork as possible and run towards the flames."
"Nothing limits achievement like small thinking, nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination." - William Arthur Ward
"A great actor can bring tears to your eyes. But then, so can a car mechanic."
"Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment." - Anonymous
"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."
"A centipede is an ant built to government specifications."
"The bad news is that time flies. The good news is that you're the pilot."
"Procrastinate later."
"Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!"
"The important thing is not to stop questioning ... never lose a holy curiosity." - Albert Einstein
September 2005
"New Chinese diet: eat all you can, but use only one chopstick."
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid but some abuse the privilege."
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
"Knowledge is realising that the street is one way; wisdom is looking both ways anyway."
"When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience."
"To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"We may disagree, but let's not be disagreeable."
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
August 2005
"Dieting is for people who are thick and tired of it."
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." - Herm Albright
"Today is the last day of your life, so far."
"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." - James Truslow Adams
"Use our easy credit plan - 100 per cent down, nothing to pay each month."
"The moon could never do its work if it paid attention to all the dogs that barked at it."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"Unless you believe, you will not understand." - St Augustine
July 2005
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
"It is never too late to give up our prejudices." - Henry David Thoreau
"It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
"They are ill discoverers who think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea." - Sir Francis Bacon
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery." - H G Wells
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
June 2005
"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it."
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King Jr
"Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have."
"The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened."
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value." - Albert Einstein
"Live so that each day you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday."
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
"Just remember that if it wasn't for gravity we'd all fall off."
"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it." - Sam Ewing
May 2005
"The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first."
"What a good thing Adam had. When he said something clever he knew that nobody had said it before." - Mark Twain
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else."
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Mark Twain
"Don't feel useless - you can always be used as a bad example."
"It ain't those parts of the Bible I don't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand." - Mark Twain
April 2005
"I wish the buck stopped here - I could use a few."
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." - Mark Twain
"You never get a second chance to make a good first impression."
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." - Mark Twain
"It isn't your position that makes you happy or unhappy. It is your disposition."
"Children are creatures who disgrace you by showing in public the example you set for them at home."
March 2005
"Ideas are like children - you own are wonderful."
"Character is what you are when no-one is watching."
"School days can be the happiest of your life, provided your children are old enough to go."
"You should no more blame circumstances for your character than the mirror for your appearance."
"Be what you wish others to become."
"What on earth will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do without?"
"The most important things in life are not things."
"Don't be angry with people who are smarter than you - it isn't their fault."
February 2005
"Conscience is that still, small voice that tells you you're going to get caught."
"It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them." - Mark Twain
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish." - Albert Einstein
"Experience: what you get just after you need it."
"Seek not to be rich, but happy. The one lies in bags, the other in content, which wealth can never give." - William Penn, 1693
"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point your way."
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." - John Andrew Holmes
January 2005
"When I am right - nobody remembers. When I am wrong - nobody forgets."
A certain school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."
"Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain." - Mark Twain
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."
"The best thing about the future is that it comes only a day at a time."
December 2004
"There's no happier moment in life than to awake Christmas morning and be a child."
"Christmas is most truly Christmas when we celebrate it by giving the light of love to those who need it most." - Ruth Carter Stapleton
"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."
"I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." - Charles Dickens
"I wish we could put some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month." - Harlan Miller
"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years ... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart." - George Matthew Adams
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"If we cannot do the good we would, we ought at least do the good we can."
November 2004
"If you don't want people to jump down your throat, then keep your mouth closed."
"I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done." - Henry Ford
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."
"Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant a little like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
"A pat on the back accomplishes more than a slap on the face."
"Real charity doesn't care whether it's tax deductible or not."
October 2004
"I'm far from being poor. I'm even farther from being rich."
"You can live for many causes, but you can only die for one. Pick that one very carefully."
"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."
"The human brain starts working before you are even born and never stops until the moment you stand up to speak in public."
"Laughing is good for your health. It's like jogging on the inside."
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy."
"In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes."
"In life, as in a mirror, you never get more out than you put in."
September 2004
"You can go a long way with a smile."
"You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." - Al Capone
"Only dead fish go with the flow."
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
"I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me."
"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are." - Anonymous
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came later in life." - Herbert Henry Asquith
August 2004
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket."
"You get stuck with your debt if you can't budge it."
"Do not pray for challenges equal to your strength ... but for strength equal to your challenges."
"If we quit voting, will they all go away?"
"Doing things by halves may be worthless because it may be the other half that counts."
"We all admire the wisdom of people who ask us for advice."
"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill
"Your secrets are safe with me ... and all my friends."
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
July 2004
"My house doesn't always look like this. Some days it's worse."
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat."
"Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation."
"Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall."
"Build a man a fire and he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."
"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults."
"Determine that a thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Be yourself. Nobody is better qualified."
"How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
June 2004
"When you're in it up to your ears, it pays to keep your mouth shut."
"You make the beds, you do the dishes and one week later you have to start all over again."
"I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully."
"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."
"The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement."
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks."
May 2004
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"I would be unstoppable ... if I could just get started."
"You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker."
"A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking."
"Never get in the way of a car that needs a lot of panelbeating."
"Intaxication is the euphoria you feel at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with."
"Life is like a camel. You can make it do anything except back up."
"Mum, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky."
April 2004
"If God had meant us to touch our toes, He would have put them further up our bodies."
"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
"I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised that people didn't like me anyway."
"Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jelly to a tree."
"Honour thy father but ask thy mother."
"You won't get to where you want to go if you only travel on sunny days."
March 2004
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see better than he can think."
"Laugh a lot, and when you are older all your wrinkles will be in the right places."
"A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell."
"Hardening of the heart ages people more quickly than hardening of the arteries."
"Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days that I've stayed alive."
"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more throughly than the one who's giving it."
"Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds."
"Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else."
February 2004
"Dogs have masters. Cats have staff."
"Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s."
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not, then what was the purpose of the bath?
"I don't need the internet. I find new web sites every time I dust."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
"If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?"
IRD: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
January 2004
"She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off."
A certain school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home."
"Reading while sunbathing can make you well red."
"Do unto others as if you were the others."
Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anybody going faster than you is a maniac.
"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, for the opportunity to rain on a tent." - Dave Barry
December 2003
"There's no happier moment in life than to awake Christmas morning and be a child."
"Drive carefully these holidays. Remember it's not only a car that can be recalled by its maker."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"Don't open a shop unless you know how to smile." - Jewish proverb
"Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."
Dear Inland Revenue: "I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list."
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist fears this is true."
November 2003
"If at first you don't succeed blame someone else and seek counselling."
"History is the version of events that people have decided to agree on." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your place faster than the police."
"We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing."
"The amount of sleep required by an average person is just ten minutes more."
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured."
"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
"When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." - Erma Bombeck
"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, it makes you wonder about history."
October 2003
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
"If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
"The law of hereditary is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
"Consumers are statistics; customers are people."
September 2003
"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3000 are still in existence."
"It's good to have things money can buy, but better to have things money can't buy."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"There is a fine line between 'avid interest' and 'mental illness'."
"There are three kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't."
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney
"Before criticising your wife's faults, remember that they may have prevented her from getting a better husband."
"A well-beaten path is not necessarily the right way."
August 2003
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."
"You should not confuse your career with your life."
"The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
"Most people resist change, yet it is the only thing that brings progress."
"The worst thing about growing old is having to listen to your children's advice."
"A stumble may prevent a fall." - English proverb
"One advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."
"Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right, even though no one else does it."
July 2003
"A politician is someone who will double cross that bridge when they come to it."
"People who never do any more than they are paid for never get paid for any more than they do."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the drive before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller
"Three key essentials to happiness: something to do, something to love, something to hope for."
"Train your child in the way in which you know you should have gone yourself."
"Enthusiasm is the spark that puts enjoyment into our lives."
"Inside many an older person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened."
"A hen is the only thing that can lay around and produce."
June 2003
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!"
"The history of every country begins in the heart of a man or woman."
"Did you know that by reading this line you have wasted 4 seconds of your life?"
"Our most recent poll showed that 90% of the people are not interested in the opinions of others."
"None are so old as those who have outlived their enthusiasm."
"Nothing cures insomnia more than the realisation that it's time to get up."
"If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?"
"A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tyres."
"It isn't how high in life you go that counts, but how you got there."
May 2003
"Live as though every day were your last - and someday you will be right."
"Since you cannot have all you want, make your life happy by wanting what you have."
"To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer."
"People who wait until they feel like doing a job rarely do."
April 2003
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."
"If at first you don't succeed ... don't try skydiving!"
"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy."
"Great people show their greatness by the way they treat insignificant people."
"Always remember that you are unique - just like everyone else is."
"No-one ever stumbled onto anything worthwhile sitting down."
March 2003
"A lecturer is someone who talks in someone else's sleep."
"Many aspire to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity."
"A banker is someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark Twain
"The biggest problem with atheism is that it has no future."
"Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
"Life is like an onion. You peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."
"If you pray for rain, be sure to carry an umbrella."
"A river is powerful because many drops of water have learned the secret of co-operation."
February 2003
"The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it."
"If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense in making them."
"The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out a traffic jam."
"Count that day lost in which you have not tried to do something for someone else."
"The trouble with some people is they don't admit their faults. I would, if I had any."
"Many great ideas have been lost because the people who had them couldn't stand being laughed at."
"The easiest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket."
"God put me on this earth to achieve a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die."
January 2003
"Children who watch too much television go down in history - not to mention geography, maths and English."
"Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'Your guess is as good as mine!'"
"Make yourself an honest individual, and then you will be sure there is one rogue less in the world."
"Education is what you have left over when you subtract what you have forgotten from what you have learned."
December 2002
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man try to wrap a Christmas present."
"The early fish gets hooked by the same thing the early bird gets credit for."
"A good journalist is one who makes up a great story and then lures the truth towards it."
"Take interest in the future - that's where you will spend the rest of your days."
"If all the cars in New Zealand were lined up end to end, there'd still be someone who'd pull out to overtake."
"These are the good old days we shall be longing for a few years from now."
November 2002
"Count your blessings - your critics are keeping count of your mistakes."
"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astonish ourselves." - Thomas Edison
"If there's anything I can't stand, it's people who talk while I'm interrupting."
"The only people who listen to both sides of the argument are the neighbours."
"No one can help everybody, but everybody can help someone."
October 2002
"You can't do much about your ancestors, but you can influence your descendants enormously."
"When you are completely satisfied, remember what happens to the fat turkey."
"If Captain Cook had turned back no-one would have blamed him. No-one would have remembered him either."
September 2002
"You have not really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you."
"Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark."
"Do the right thing - you will please some people and astonish the rest."
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